Under Pressure

Being the founder and captain of the Slim & Sexy Campaign is no easy task to take on. I'm always feeling pressure to remain the size that I am. I feel that if I gained some weight, people would give me that look like "damn what happened to you"? "You letting yourself go huh"? These are everyday thoughts that are swirling around in my head. I workout in fear of getting fat again. I honestly, sincerely do NOT wanna go back to the way I used to be two years ago. There was a point in time where I was completely obsessed with whatever food I was putting in my mouth. I lived off of special k bars and water for a few weeks. Staying slim & sexy was that important to me. I knew it was stupid to put myself in that kind of risk but at the time I could care less as long as I would be skinny. I would go to to the gym and routinely get dizzy and I'd have to leave and get myself together. Stupidity at its finest (and that's not a good thing at all). I still have those moments to this day, where I feel like that fat kid that everyone made fun of. The years of being teased still screw with my mind. It's pretty safe to say that I'm the shyest conceited dude around.  Sometimes, I call my normal sized friends fat or make fun of their bodies. Definately projecting my insecurities onto others. I don't even wear certain shirts in public anymore because I feel that they make me look bigger than my actual size or they don't fit me too well. I can be in complete and absolute pain and still force myself to go to the gym for a crazy workout. It's a constant battle. People are probably thinking that I'm just spicing this up to get more readers but its the absolute truth. As a matter of fact, that's where my problem lies: I give too much attention to what I think other people are thinking about me. That sentence doesn't even sound right but you all understand what I'm getting at. Slowly but surely, I'm winning this battle. Right now, I'm at the point where I can say that I like myself and who I am and what I look like. Hopefully one day, I can get to a place where I can say that I love myself and truly believe in that statement. Until then, I'm gonna keep fighting these head games and build up some of that self-esteem. After finishing this post, I really feel that people are getting a little piece of the real Vaughn. I'm always the loud, outgoing, chill dude. When in actuality, I have issues just like everyone else and I'm ready to confront my demons head-on.